


Commiseration, or, How Dare He?

by bigasswritingmagnet (thekumquat)



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Lust, in which hawke and cadash are every varricmancer out there, no angst just ridiculousness and jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-29 07:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17803358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekumquat/pseuds/bigasswritingmagnet
Summary: Hawke and Cadash drink and bemoan Varric's un-romanceable state.





	Commiseration, or, How Dare He?

“It's not  _ fair _ ,” Cadash whined into her pillow. Hawke, leaning against the bed with her legs sprawled before her, reached back awkwardly to pat the woman on the hand.

“I know,” she said, taking a long pull of wine. They’d started at the tavern, but there were so many people there, and the weight of their titles had made conversation difficult. Up in the tower, passing bottles back and forth, it was much easier to be Hawke and Cadash.

They had begun by commiserating over the stress that expectations can place on a person, on titles and stories that grow and grow, until you feel you are drowning in your own shadow. As the bottles emptied, however, this turned into good old fashioned drunken bitching about everything. 

Politicians, Orlesians, Orlesian politicians, Cullen, the Chantry, the templars, the mages, Cullen again, bad ale, people asking you to make decisions for them and then getting mad about what you chose, then, inevitably, Varric. 

Friendly, attractive, infuriatingly unavailable Varric. 

“He's just so…” Cadash hesitated, trying to think for the right word through the drunken haze. 

“Kind? Intelligent? Clever, compassionate, fun, loyal-”

“ _ Hot.”  _

“Maker, tell me about it. Would it kill him to button his shirt? I know everyone jokes about the chest hair but it actually is extremely alluring.” 

“I just want to touch it,” Cadash said, reaching out to grope at the air. “Just once.” 

“That never goes away. You will always want that.” Hawke pushed the wine bottle into Cadash’s still-grasping hand. The dwarf arranged herself with difficulty into a somewhat-upright position and drank deeply. 

“And his  _ arms _ ,” Hawke went on. “He gives the best hugs. Which are also the worst hugs.”

“The first time I saw him with his shirt off I thought I was going to  _ die. _ How could you stand to be around him for seven years?” 

“Because not having him around is worse than pining,” Hawke said, making a face. 

“I'm not pining,” Cadash protested. “I’m  _ lusting.” _

Hawke made a noise of agreement. 

“If I could just make out with him a little,” she said. “Just to get it out of my system.” 

Cadash sighed wistfully. 

“I bet he's an amazing kisser.” The dwarf snickered suddenly, drunkenly. “I bet he's good at lots of things, with that  _ silver  _ tongue.”

Hawke groaned loudly and put her hands over her face. 

“ _ Shit.  _ You're right. You're absolutely right. Don’t say that, I can’t think about that.  _ Maker _ , I hate him.” 

“You wanna know what one of the first things he ever said to me was?” Cadash slithered off the bed and onto the floor, meeting Hawke’s eyes with a frantic look. “So, so I just met him, right, him and Solas and Cassandra and we’re all on the mountain. And he guesses that I’m in the Carta, right? And I tell him he has a good eye, and Cassandra says something about him having a big mouth and he says, he says…” 

“Just tell me and get it over with,” Hawke said, bracing herself. “I know it’ll be terrible.” 

“ _ And clever hands.”  _

Hawke tumbled over sideways and collapsed on the floor. 

“That’s not  _ fair _ ,” she said, practically wailing. 

“I know!” Cadash exclaimed, waving her hands and sending a good portion of the wine splattering over the very expensive carpet. “And I’m just standing there, next to this  _ extremely  _ attractive man who is  _ basically  _ telling me he could introduce me to the Maker with one hand--” 

Hawke choked and started to laugh the breathless, wheezing laughter of the truly drunk. 

“--ten minutes after he more or less says he’s married to his  _ crossbow _ and I’m supposed to just let that go and go deal with the giant hole in the sky instead? How is that  _ fair?  _ Where’s the  _ justice? _ ” 

“Would you just--” Hawke tried to get out between giggles. “Just drag him behind a tree, with Cass-Cassandra and Solas standing there?” 

“ _ Yes!”  _ Cadash said, with such fervor that it set Hawke howling again. “I would have made them stand there and  _ wait _ . I would absolutely do it! I wouldn’t even  _ hesitate.  _ If he came-- If he came up those stairs  _ right now _ , I would kick you off the balcony.” 

“I,” Hawke announced loftily, “would fuck Varric Tethras in the middle of the qunari compound. While it was still full of qunari.”

“I would fuck Varric Tethras in the square at Val Royeaux.” 

“I’d fuck him in the deep roads.”

“I’d let him fuck  _ my  _ deep roads,” Cadash countered, which set them  _ both  _ off. When they got themselves under control, they were laying side by side, staring up at the high stone ceiling. 

“Do you think he knows he’s doing it?” Cadash asked, because if anyone was going to know, it was Hawke. 

“I don’t think he’s deliberately trying to torment us, no,” Hawke said. “But the bastard definitely knows how attractive he is.” 

“How uncomfortable do you think this conversation would make him?”

“I think I’d rather not find out, if it’s all the same to you.” 

Cadash hummed in agreement, and the two women lapsed into miserable silence, lost in private thoughts. If Varric did know how they felt, he might even feel guilty. He would certainly change his behavior, if only to make  _ them  _ suffer less. As frustrating as he could be, neither woman wanted their friendship with Varric to change. 

Hard enough to want someone you couldn’t have; it was even harder when he was a friend you couldn’t bear to lose. 

“His  _ voice _ , though,” Hawke said suddenly. 

“ _ Ugh _ , I  _ know _ . It’s like his voice is having sex with my ears.” 

Hawke laughed, scrunching up her face. 

“Ewwww.” 

“Shut up! Shut up, you know  _ exactly  _ what I mean.” 

“The first time I met Varric, he stopped a pickpocket who stole my coin purse. Pinned him to a wall with an arrow--” She mimed firing a crossbow, squinting one eye closed. “He gets my purse back and punches the guy and sends him running off. He walks over to me and Bethany, twirling the crossbow bolt like a bloody stage performer, and says” She affected a ridiculous, gravely voice, a poor imitation of Varric’s pleasing baritone. “Varric Tethras, at your service.” 

“That  _ bastard _ ,” Cadash breathed. 

“So bloody  _ suave,”  _ Hawke groused. “Then he has the  _ gall  _ to propose an entirely platonic business partnership.” 

“Downright cruel. It should be illegal to be that charming.” 

“You know what else is cruel?” 

“The cold, unfeeling universe?” Cadash suggested. Hawke held up the wine bottle. 

“We’re out of alcohol.” 

“Shit. That  _ is  _ cruel.” She groaned. “And if we wanted more, we’d have to go downstairs--” 

“--and walk past Varric,” Hawke finished for her. Her eyes narrowed. “And listen to him make his  _ jokes _ . With his  _ voice _ . And his  _ face.  _ And his  _ shirt _ .” 

“I hate that fucking shirt.” 

“We should burn it.” 

“Then he’d be shirtless. That’s even worse.” 

“Hmm. True. So now what do we do?” 

Cadash thought about this, drumming her fingers on the stone floor. 

“We could have sex?” 

Hawke considered this for a moment. 

“Sure, why not?” 

“Do you think Varric does threesomes?” 

  
  


Walking past the door to the Inquisitor’s tower, Varric heard the faint echo of pealing laughter, and wondered briefly what the two women found so very funny. He shook his head. Probably best if he didn’t know.

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
